20 Year Old Difficult Daugther

Since my 20 y/o daughter’s boyfriend moved back to India, she spends 10-12 hours/day talking to him on her laptop, or sleeping and doesn’t come out of her room except to eat around midnight. My wife and I drive her to and from college classes. Last semester she dropped or failed most of them. She refuses to get her driver’s license or a job. When we ask her to mend her ways and to relinquish the laptop, she gets abusive and threatens suicide or to runaway. We suggested family counseling many times, but she refuses and says we are the ones that need it. Kindly advise what we should do as parents.

Although your daughter’s behavior likely indicates an underlying problem such as depression, she is nonetheless wreaking havoc with your lives. She seems intent on defying you by refusing to take responsibility for herself. When you attempt to set limits, her frightening threats paralyze you into submission. At this point she is in total control of the situation, which is not healthy for anyone.

Your daughter’s behavior at 20 is similar to that of adolescents struggling with separation and individuation. She is extremely reliant upon you, yet her oppositional stance dismisses your importance. By expecting you to drive and cater to her needs, she demands to be taken care of, yet rejects any suggestions or opinions from you. Asserting herself with such hostility reflects an attempt to differentiate from you with extreme uncertainty. The obsessive focus on her boyfriend may be an attempt to transfer these feelings of dependency, but the excessive time expenditure undermines her self development.

Explain to your daughter that this is her life and she must choose whether she wants to attend school or get a job, but that you will no longer support her while she sabotages herself. Assure her that you will be there if she needs help (within limits) and you will do what is necessary to keep her safe, but you believe that taking care of her in this way is not healthy for anyone involved. Expect resistance, but stand firm. If you live in fear of her retaliation, she remains in control which enables her to continue on this self destructive path. Remember, regaining control of your lives is just as important for you as it is to model for your daughter. If these changes become too difficult, perhaps you and your wife can go to therapy to get the support and guidance to help you work through this situation.