Adopted Daughter
We adopted our daughter from birth. She was everything I wanted, so I devoted myself to giving her the best life possible. The adoption wasn’t a secret, but we didn’t talk much about it either. In the back of my mind, I worried she would feel rejected or unloved because her birth mother didn’t keep her. So I was determined to show her everyday how much we loved her. Now she’s 17 and wants to find her birth mom. I’m devastated. Weren’t we enough? Did I do something wrong? She’s my only child–I don’t want to lose her. I told her I don’t have any information, (which isn’t true) because I think it’s a bad idea to open that door. The outcome could cause a lot of heartache. What do you think?
Your daughter’s curiosity about her birth mother seems to leave you feeling personally rejected and fearing her abandonment. Most likely her longing has nothing to do with you. It is not uncommon for adopted children to wonder about their biological parents. Many fantasize about what their birth mothers are like, why they gave them up, if they would love them and so on. Sometimes struggling with so many unanswered questions is difficult and leads them to search for answers. The wish to know their biological parents doesn’t mean they want to replace their adoptive parents.
As your daughter approaches adulthood she is beginning to make independent decisions in her life. Because she has the freedom to directly assert her wishes around such a difficult issue, it is a testament to how secure she feels with you in your relationship. You worked hard to establish a loving, trusting connection with your daughter, so, it is important to be approachable, responsive and honest with her concerning this matter. Be candid with her about your fears that the outcome may be disappointing or hurtful. Although, it is always possible that it may be a positive experience. Reiterate that you will always be there for her no matter what happens. Having your support will strengthen the bond between you. Ultimately, it is her decision whether or not she searches for her birth mother, but remember if you try to prevent or interfere with the process, the repercussions could adversely impact your relationship.