Adult Children Relationships

The relationship with my adult children upsets me. I divorced early and didn’t want them to suffer, so I was protective, didn’t talk about it and dedicated my life to them. Now they hardly call. When they do, they want something. If they don’t get it, they get irritated and hang up. I don’t want to start problems, but I don’t understand. How do I fix this?

It is extremely hurtful to feel disregarded by one’s children, especially when you have given so much. Such dismissive behavior leaves well meaning parents feeling confused and dejected. Understanding the origin of a problem is the first step toward fixing it. When a marriage deteriorates, various feelings emerge such as anger, fear, grief and guilt. Perhaps you feared the way in which divorce would impact your children; thus, you dedicated your life to them. This over protective behavior stemmed from sincere concern; unfortunately, doing too much for children can create a sense of entitlement. This may explain why they only seem to call when they need something and become angry when their request is denied.

There seems to be a family pattern of circumventing unpleasant feelings. This was first exemplified when you described avoiding the topic of divorce in your home. Although it was intended to protect, the children may have interpreted this behavior as a message that uncomfortable feelings should not be discussed. Perhaps your kids are also avoiding intense feelings when they abruptly hang up. You worry about starting problems if you confront them, yet the problems already exist and will not improve until these issues are addressed. Certainly, your children may feel irritable or angry for many reasons; however, you will not know the answer unless you ask. Relationships must be reciprocal. You cannot “fix” this without mutual cooperation and communication.