Boyfriend Takes Advantage

My daughter lives with her boyfriend who inherited a LOT of money so he doesn’t have to work. But, she works hard everyday and must pay half of the bills when he could easily afford to cover them. After work, my daughter cooks and cleans while he tells her she’s doing it wrong. When she tells me, I react and she fights me. Help?

I imagine that it is extremely painful to watch your daughter tolerating such unfair treatment in this relationship. Although, if she is relaying these stories to you, she seems to recognize that there is a problem and may need you to serve as a sounding board while she processes her thoughts and feelings about it. However, if you give your opinion when she is not ready to hear it, her focus shifts to defending him which distracts her from addressing feelings about their troubled relationship. Also, if you are expressing the anger which she is unable to express, she may remain “stuck.”

Unfortunately, you have no control over whether your daughter chooses to stay with or leave her boyfriend. Criticizing him seems to only create a rift between the two of you. Additionally, she may feel indirectly criticized by your complaints about him. Consequently, when she defends him it may be an attempt to defend herself. Remember, she is already being criticized by her boyfriend. Hearing criticism from you, although it comes from your concern for her well being, may lead her to feel that she has no one to count on for support and understanding. Perhaps you can hold back from commenting on their relationship and instead empathize with her frustration and reassure her that you are available if she needs you. Once you are out of the middle, she may have greater clarity about the issues which will give her the strength and freedom needed to respond to her boyfriend in a straightforward manner.