Confusing Relationship

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 6 months and constantly feel insecure. At times he seems to really love me, then withdraws or acts rude. In the past, he’s broken up with girlfriends suddenly. I’m very understanding, not demanding and don’t say anything when he acts this way because I never know when it’s my turn to get dumped. What do you think?

Your boyfriend’s behavior certainly sounds confusing and it’s not surprising that you are uncertain where you stand in this relationship. However, your fear of his tendency to suddenly break up seems to paralyze you and prevent you from speaking openly.
Frequently, when fears are overwhelming one may attempt to allay them by exerting control over uncontrollable circumstances. Perhaps you are attempting to control the outcome of this relationship by being understanding and unassuming when he is hurtful or dismissive. The question is, can one truly control whether a relationship succeeds or not? Also, what needs of your own are you sacrificing in order to preserve this relationship? Your silence actually gives him the control and conveys the message that it is okay to treat you this way. Not expressing your displeasure sets up an imbalance in the relationship which may leave you feeling less valued and disrespected over time.

Your boyfriend’s behavior reflects ambivalence which may indicate intimacy difficulties that can interfere with his ability to commit. Intimacy problems originate from the earliest relationship. If the caregiver encourages dependency, criticizes and/or withdraws love when the child behaves too independently, he learns that in order to be close, autonomy must be relinquished. He may long for closeness, but fear causes him to retreat. This may explain his erratic behavior.