Critical Boyfriend

My boyfriend and I have been together for one year. We mostly get along great, but sometimes when he gets mad, he criticizes and calls me fat, ugly or stupid. He apologizes later and says he didn’t mean it, but it really upsets me. Why does he do this and how can I get him to stop?

Verbal attacks are extremely damaging not only to your self esteem, but also to your relationship. Such hostile behavior undermines trust which is an important foundation for healthy intimacy. Your boyfriend seems to impulsively act out his anger with little concern or awareness of its cumulative impact.

People criticize others for many reasons. Some project their insecurities onto their partner in order to boost their own self worth. Making derogatory statements may provide them with a sense of power and control in the relationship. Whatever the reason, it creates an unequal power differential in the couple which can be detrimental.

It is important to express your feelings and set limits on your boyfriend’s behavior. In other words, be clear about what is acceptable and what is not. Such degrading remarks must be considered prohibited in order for your relationship to grow. Once a comment is made, it cannot be taken back. It is difficult to accept and believe in an apology when the behavior gets repeated. Ultimately, the only behavior you can change is your own. If he cannot contain his anger enough to stop the critical outbursts, then you may need to reevaluate your commitment to the relationship.