Adolescent Late Separation

My oldest daughter is 17. She never gave me problems. She was a great student, cooperative, loving, even tempered who mostly stayed home studying or helping me. Suddenly, she’s gotten very defiant. Last week, she refused to get home for her music lesson. I told her the instructor was waiting. She snapped, “Fine! But after today, I quit!” What’s with her? We were so close. I could always count on her. Everything is going her way. She just got accepted to her favorite college and was ecstatic. Now she’s irritable and has this attitude with me. She’s demanding and complains like never before. I feel awful like I really went wrong somewhere with her.

Your daughter hasn’t left for college yet, but I can already sense the loss/sadness both of you are feeling. You are experiencing the loss of that loving, predictable relationship with the daughter you knew so well. The individual who has currently taken up residence inside of her body seems like a stranger. Your daughter’s behavior may be a reaction to the overwhelming feelings and changes which occur when transitioning from home to college life. Because she maintained such a close emotional connection with you throughout her teen years and didn’t attempt to explore beyond, it may have interrupted the normal adolescent separation and individuation process. A college acceptance makes separating and leaving home an inevitable reality which now she must face. As excited as she may be about the prospect of college, she may also be fearful about leaving the safety and comfort of familiar surroundings and family. When adolescents begin the process of separating, those who feel particularly dependent upon their family tend to react more strongly with greater opposition than those who are more comfortable with the transition to autonomy. Perhaps your daughter began the process of separating emotionally by pushing you away with her obstinate behavior. In order to feel confident with their decisions and choices, adolescents frequently find it necessary to dismiss their parent’s ideas and suggestions. If one is not aware that this is an expectable part of the process it would certainly leave you feeling rejected and self doubting.

By understanding that her need to oppose you is part of the separation process, you convey an acceptance of her as an individual which creates a space in which to explore her interests and develop further. Once she becomes comfortable with her separateness, the oppositional stance will no longer be necessary and the negative behavior will diminish. Certainly, if her behavior deteriorates to an alarming extreme and/or if other areas in her life become unmanageable, it may indicate underlying problems needing professional intervention.