Best Friend Mother’s Competing
My childhood best-friend and I were so close we planned to remain friends throughout our lives. As teenagers, winning and being the best made her happy, so I always pumped her up. Now we both have daughters a year apart in age. She always brags about how superior her daughter is in everything– perfect grades, the best dancer in the school, best soccer player, etc. She thinks she knows best when it comes to my daughter—she gives her opinion in front of my daughter and say things like: “I don’t think you should allow that.” or “That’s okay, why don’t you let her?” So, I doubt myself, change my mind and later regret it. It’s really bothering me, but I don’t know what to say or do because I don’t want to hurt her.
It is clear that this friendship is very important to you, but it comes with a price—her needs at the expense of yours. You recognized long ago that your friend had insecurities and needed to feel important. In an effort to be a good friend, you put your feelings aside and gave her needs priority by generously stroking her ego. These dynamics became the foundation of your friendship, but when circumstances change, relationships need to shift accordingly. What was formerly tolerable often becomes unacceptable.
Most parents feel proud and want to share their children’s success with others, but it becomes another issue when these accomplishments become an instrument used to boost the parent’s self esteem. Your friend’s need to brag excessively about her child’s “superiority,” indicates her need for reassurance about her own self worth, which gets derived from her daughter’s accomplishments. Being faced with your friend’s need for reassurance is nothing new. The difference is that now it involves your daughter. Her need to “be the best” through her daughter leaves her indirectly putting down your daughter and undermining your parental authority with her intrusive suggestions.
It is important, to change the old dynamics by setting limits on her and verbalizing your discontent. Perhaps you can begin by letting her know you recognize how proud she is of her daughter and how competent she feels as a mother, but feel that she is unaware when she oversteps her bounds in your relationship. These are important steps to take not only for your friendship, but for your own self-worth as an individual and a parent.
