Competitive Parents

I have a close friend who has kids almost the same age as mine. Every time we talk she brings up and brags to me in detail about how her kids are superior to everyone in their class or on their sports team. I sit there feeling irritated like she is constantly trying to ‘one up’ me with her kids’ accomplishments. Why does she do this and what can I say?

It is certainly expectable for parents to take pride in and share their children’s success; however, it becomes another issue entirely when children’s accomplishments become an instrument used to boost parent’s self esteem. Parents that have the need to brag excessively about their children’s successes may be attempting to vicariously re-live missed opportunities from their youth or compensate for self perceived inadequacies. They may need to reassure themselves of their own worth and, unfortunately, this gets derived from their children’s success. Because this behavior is deeply connected to the parent’s wish to be admired and accepted, the ensuing exchange can evoke a sense of envy and competitiveness in others. Perhaps your irritation is an indication that she has triggered these feelings within you.

Such overzealous parental behavior may prove to be confusing and worrisome for the child. The child may sense the parent’s emotional investment in their success and feel compelled to excel in their performance in order to please and fulfill the parent’s unmet needs. It is an overwhelming responsibility for a child to have such an impact on their parents’ self worth. As a result, these children may become increasingly anxious, burdened and ultimately resentful.

Perhaps you can tell your friend that too much discussion of her children’s accomplishments is putting a strain on your relationship. Let her know you understand her pride and applaud her enthusiasm to a point; however, when it turns into the focus of your conversations it becomes uncomfortable and interferes with the friendship.