Critical Mom

When my mother comes to visit, she makes comments on my clothes, my hair, how I keep my home, whether I’ve gained weight, what I’m eating and/or doing with my spare time, etc. I know she does it because she loves me, but it drives me crazy. What should I do?

The anticipation of criticism at every turn does not create an environment for a relaxing and enjoyable visit with your mother. In fact, her comments serve to interfere with your relationship and undermine your closeness. You seem to excuse her intrusive and critical behavior by saying it’s because she loves you. I wonder if you truly believe this or if such a conviction prevents you from acknowledging a deeper resentment in response to her scrutinizing statements.

Your mother’s behavior reflects her own underlying insecurities which are projected, thus, she sees these imperfections in you. She likely over identifies with you and views you as an extension of herself. This means your mother has difficulty seeing you as a separate and autonomous individual. Therefore, she is more invested in your appearance and behavior because it is experienced as a reflection of herself.

It is important that you openly express your feelings regarding your mother’s behavior. When she critiques, point it out immediately. Perhaps you can tell her that you choose to live your life as you do and that her unsolicited comments are not helpful and only breed resentment. She may react defensively, but stand firm. Your relationship will ultimately benefit from it.