Cyber cheater

I’ve been in what I thought was a good marriage for the past 15 years. Lately my husband is always on the computer with the door locked. I snooped and discovered he has an active profile on eHarmony! I couldn’t believe it. When I confronted him he said it was because he was curious—he never met anyone. I thought our life was perfect. Why would he do this? Is he not happy with me anymore?

Such a discovery is a devastating particularly when you believe your relationship is solid. Apparently there are issues between the two of you which you did not perceive and he concealed from you. Seeing your life together as perfect may have reassured your sense of stability. However, the focus on perfection may have hindered your ability to recognize signs of problems in the marriage.

This incident reflects the disparity between you and your husband regarding your relationship. You seem to view the relationship one way while his behavior is expressing something altogether different. If you choose to repair the relationship, it is important that you both learn to openly express your feelings, thereby improving your communication. Your husband felt a curiosity and acted upon it by opening the online account. He must learn to differentiate his thoughts and feelings from actions. Thoughts and feelings are universal—everyone has them. However, acting on emotions without a clear understanding is impulsive and potentially harmful. Perhaps therapy will allow you both to process your feelings regarding this incident and develop a deeper understanding of the interpersonal dynamics between you.