Daughter Extra-curricular Activity

My 9 y/o daughter has taken gymnastics for awhile and is very good. Lately she doesn’t want to go. We have huge fights when it’s gymnastics time, but after she gets there it’s fine. If she drops out I know she’ll regret it and blame me later for not making her stick with it. She tries lots of activities, gets bored and stops. Soon she’ll be doing nothing. How can I get through to her?

As a dedicated parent, you are proud of your daughter’s gymnastic ability and you certainly want the best for her. However; it is important to understand your need to keep her in an activity which she is clearly resisting. Throughout the process of raising children, parents are frequently reminded of unresolved conflicts and disappointments from their own childhood. Perhaps you regret a missed opportunity from your youth and fear that your daughter will undergo a similar experience. Maybe you believe that your strict guidance is necessary in order for her to make good decisions. Indeed there are many possible explanations which lead you to closely govern your daughter. Unfortunately, when there is disagreement regarding her extracurricular activity choices and you continue to impose your wishes upon her, it sets up a difficult power struggle which you will likely lose and the relationship will suffer as a result.

You expressed fear that your daughter will blame you if she quits and regrets the decision. However, have you considered that if you force her to continue against her will, she will likely feel resentful and blame you anyway for attempting to exert control over her life. Your daughter’s oppositional behavior may be an expression of her need to resist your imposed control. As such, it is expected that this dynamic will greatly interfere with her ability to clearly determine whether or not she wants to remain in gymnastics. Therefore, if you are able to limit your influence, she will make the decision for herself with more clarity.

Many children need to try out a variety of activities in order to determine the one which suits them individually. Allowing your daughter this freedom encourages exploration and provides her with a sense of self determination. If she selects an activity (for which you pay) or joins a team, explain to her that by choosing to do this she is committing to stay with it for a predetermined amount of time. This will teach her responsibility to the team and respect for your financial investment. If she chooses to stop gymnastics (or any activity) be clear that this is her choice and it will be respected. Your relationship will benefit as a result.