Drug Addicted Mother
I have two young children ages 6 and 8. Their mother has a drug problem and because of it the kids live with me. As you can imagine, their mother sometimes doesn’t show up or call them when they are waiting for her. I want to protect the kids as much as I can because they’ve been through a lot so I make up excuses. I’m not sure if I’m doing the right thing. How much should I tell them?
When substance abuse occurs it deeply touches each member within the family. It is vital to be open and honest with your children about their mother’s addiction. Your children have witnessed their mother’s out of control behavior and sensed her depression. Unfortunately, you cannot protect them from this reality. As a result, they probably feel helpless and abandoned by their mother. If her addiction is not explained, the children may become confused and believe that their mother’s apparent disinterest is their fault. They may attribute the cause of her substance abuse to their own perceived misdeeds. For example, they may think: “If I behaved better or didn’t fight with my sister then mommy wouldn’t take drugs and she would want to be with me.” These kinds of beliefs can translate into self doubt and the children may see themselves as not loveable.
Children are keenly perceptive and yours may sense the discomfort you feel about identifying and discussing their mother’s problem. They may feel uncomfortable asking questions because they do not want to upset you. If you make excuses or avoid the subject they may interpret their mom’s behavior as something shameful which must be kept secret. Encourage your children to express their feelings or ask questions about their mother. If you become more comfortable and open with the issue, your children will follow your lead and this will likely reduce the sense of shame, anxiety and confusion.
Find a way to explain to your children that their mother’s depression and addiction are an illness and clearly state that no one is to blame, especially not them. For young children, you may want to locate age appropriate books that deal with such issues in order to help them better understand what is happening with their mother.