Envious Best Friend

My best-friend borrows my things and loses or ruins them. Even worse, she flirts with my boyfriend anytime he’s around. Sometimes I see her looking at me to see if I’m watching. It really bothers me, but I don’t show it because she would get mad and tell me I’m crazy. Why does she do this if she’s my friend?

There are numerous reasons for such behavior in relationships. Perhaps your friend is envious of you. Envy is a universal emotion in which one wishes for the attributes or possessions of another. Problems occur when the impulse to take away what is envied is unregulated and gets acted out. In this situation, your friend envies then ruins your things, thus taking them away from you. She doesn’t have them, but neither do you and this may satisfy her envy. Additionally, her behavior with your boyfriend seems to be coming from a similar place. Because she checks to see if you are watching her flirt, perhaps her intention is to leave you feeling insecure about the relationship or yourself. Attempting to take away one’s sense of security is another consequence of uncontrolled envy which has been acted out by the other. Frequently, envy operates at a subconscious level so if you ask her about it she will likely deny any purposeful intent. However, this should not prevent you from addressing it because she must be made aware that her actions are upsetting. Feeling envy is expectable, acting it out is destructive.

Remember, if you hesitate to confront because you fear her reaction, she remains in control. Because your friend’s behavior affects you, it is important to candidly express your feelings. Set clear limits on what is and is not acceptable. If she is unable to respect you and your feelings, you may need to reevaluate the friendship.