Family Friends Dilemma

Last weekend a family came over for dinner. They brought their kid to play with our son. We had dinner and socialized while the boys entertained themselves. After they left, my son realized that the boy had stolen his birthday money. My son is certain that the money was there because he counted it just before the family arrived. He searched his room completely and the money is gone. My son is very upset and so am I. We are friendly with the family and have socialized with them before. Do I say something?

You are in a difficult dilemma. Since no one caught the boy “in the act” of stealing your son’s money, you have no hard proof. If you say something to the parents it may jeopardize the friendship because they may feel that you are accusing their son wrongfully. It may come down to your son’s word against their son’s word. On the other hand, depending upon the friendship, you may feel that withholding something like this creates too much of a barrier in the relationship. No matter what you decide, it is likely that your relationship with this family will never be the same.

Unfortunately, this is a difficult lesson for your son about the trustworthiness of people. It is a realization that sometimes those whom you believe to be your friends can steal, mislead and betray you in many ways. Discuss with your son how he wants to handle this and why. This does not mean that you must agree with what he says, but it encourages healthy exploration about an unpleasant experience and it can be used as a learning tool for future situations. For example, if your son says “I want to go to HIS room and steal all of HIS money,” you can validate his feelings by expressing an understanding that this was a terrible betrayal. Also, use this opportunity to teach your son that he does not have to act always on his angry feelings. You could pose a question for him to ponder: “Would that really solve the problem?” Here you are inspiring self control and self reflection which are characteristics that the other boy does not possess: he wanted the money and took it without any consideration for the pain it would cause. Teaching through experience in difficult situations reinforces your son’s confidence in you and himself.