Father Daughter Relationship
My husband won’t leave our 1 ½ year daughter so we can go away, even if my mom babysits. I say we need our time together, but he says she’s more important. I adore our daughter, her needs are priority, but this is extreme. My husband’s mother repeatedly told him to hide his finances when he got married. He doesn’t, but is stingy with me and questions my spending (I spend very little.) He tells our daughter he will buy her anything she wants, but doesn’t say it to me, which really hurts. Sometimes he laughs and says to me in front of her, “now I have someone I can conspire with against you.” If I get upset, he tells me I can’t take a joke. I know he loves me, but this bothers me. Am I wrong or overreacting?
Your feelings are certainly not wrong or over reactive. In fact, feelings are never right or wrong. They are your own subjective response to, in this case, a very hurtful series of events. Your husband’s preferential treatment toward your daughter is unhealthy and undermines the marriage. Children develop a sense of self and security from their parents. A strong and unified parental relationship becomes the foundation for a solid family unit. When that foundation is unstable it leaves children feeling insecure and anxious.
When a child is led to believe that she is more worthy than one parent, it can evoke intense guilt for prevailing over and defeating that beloved parent. If your husband indulges your daughter’s every wish, she may feel entitled and become demanding or identify with his aggression and become disrespectful. Children need reasonable limits and boundaries to feel safe. Knowing that the adults overseeing them are in control is comforting.
By suggesting that he conceal finances, your mother-in-law instilled a sense of suspicion and mistrust for anyone your husband married. At the same time, she encouraged him to be deceptive. These destructive messages may have prompted your husband’s “joke” about conspiring against you. However, there is nothing humorous in that comment and it is not surprising that you were bothered. Sarcasm is often an attempt to disguise underlying hostility. If the intent is questioned, responsibility may be avoided by dismissing the comment as a joke or criticizing the receiver for being too sensitive. The objective here may be to silence you by casting doubt on your perception, but you don’t have to concede. Tell your husband that those sarcastic comments have an element of truth which is hurtful and undercuts your closeness. Express your concern that his mother’s negative suggestions have impacted his ability to trust you which has affected your entire family unit. Finally, take a stand for yourself. Make it clear that you are the other parent in the home and as such you expect the same respect.