Gay Couple Planning to Adopt
My partner Jason and I were foster fathers to Juan who unfortunately got into trouble, was diagnosed with schizophrenia and placed in a residential setting. The adoption never happened. My family, although outwardly accepting of our sexual orientation, always gave the impression they disapproved of us being fathers. Their negative opinions about minorities meant they paid lip service to Juan’s prospects because he is Latino. Now Jason’s sister (with addiction problems) is pregnant and wants us to raise the baby. I know my mother among others will be very negative again. They considered Juan “damaged goods” and will see this baby similarly. Any suggestions on how to break the news or react to their disapproval?
First, it is very commendable that you and Jason opened your hearts and home to a child in the foster care system as these children desperately need caring, stable environments. Intending to adopt Juan demonstrates your heartfelt dedication to parenthood. The unfortunate turn of events must have been terribly disappointing for everyone.
It is difficult to know what to believe when it comes to your family’s conflicting statements. They claim to accept your sexual orientation as long as you do not raise children. So, approval comes only with a condition that contradicts their acceptance of you and Jason as a couple/family. As suspected, your family does not seem as comfortable with your lifestyle as they claim.
When momentous events occur, such as the birth of a baby, one naturally wishes to share the joy with their entire family. Unfortunately, based upon past experience, you are expecting the family to react negatively and disapprove of your intention to raise a new baby. Because they have been disingenuous previously and although they may respond positively, it will be difficult to trust whether or not your family’s sentiments are sincere.
If your family truly believes that the baby is “damaged goods,” no matter how you present it, their reaction may not change. Preparing to face such unbridled judgment is both deflating and maddening. Tell your family that you wish to share this special time only with people who are truly supportive and happy for you and you cannot permit negativity to diminish your excitement. Make it abundantly clear that you will not allow anyone in the family to damage the baby’s self esteem by making degrading comments or treating her with prejudice. The reality is that no one ever has control over what another person thinks or feels, but you can set limits on unacceptable behavior. You have the right to insist on unconditional respect for yourself and your new family.