Getting Married Relationship Adjustments
I’m pregnant and getting married soon. I work, but don’t like my job. My fiancé wants me to go back to work right after the baby is born. He feels strongly about it, but I don’t understand why. I said ok, but secretly I want to stay home with the baby. What would he do if I got fired? He makes way more money than me and definitely enough to support us. I always have to give my paycheck to him because he likes to be in charge of the money and paying for things . Do you think he’s worried that I’ll take advantage? Does it mean he’s controlling or just cheap? Should I go back to work? I’m so confused!
Decisions which affect your future family need to be agreed upon together; such as whether you return to work or stay at home to raise the baby. Neither of you are entitled to make such important decisions unilaterally. Many factors need to be considered and it is vital for each partner to feel heard with no one dominating the outcome.
The bigger issue here is much more complicated than merely the decision about your work status. The lack of communication between you and your fiancé is unhealthy. You have important unanswered questions for and about your fiancé, but are not able to ask him directly. When he makes a declaration and you feel differently, you shut down without pursuing the topic further, even when the decision affects you. Why must your wish to stay home with the baby remain secret? What prevents you from having an open dialogue with him? Perhaps you worry about his reaction. Fears often interfere with openness in a relationship and can dramatically undermine a couples closeness. Do you believe that the outcome will be better if you sacrifice your feelings for his? Unfortunately, this sets up an unequal power differential and resentment often follows. Feeling powerless might lead you to exert control over the situation through your actions. For example, if you did something intentionally to get fired. You may get to stay home with the baby, but it could affect your future job search. Passive/aggressive approaches never solve the problem and often there is a backlash.
Each of you is certainly entitled to your individual perspectives. The key to a happy, successful relationship is having the freedom to safely express opposing beliefs/ feelings and for each partner to give the other respect while working through these differences. Disappointments and hurt are inevitable in all relationships. The way that partners work through and repair these ruptures becomes the foundation for an enduring relationship.
