Graduate Degree Fears

I have a college degree, but my job is unrelated. My fiancé urges me to go to graduate school. He’s the first person in my life to believe in me. It’s my dream, but I’m afraid I won’t get accepted. I know he wants his wife to be a professional. What if I fail? What if I want to stay home to raise our children? If I don’t go to graduate school, will he get bored with me? Will I regret not trying? I’m so confused. What do you think and how can I figure this out?

You have many questions and conflicting feelings about the way in which you view your worth in this relationship and elsewhere. One rarely knows with absolute certainty all of the answers to such questions, but there are some things you can do to gain clarity. Recognizing problematic underlying issues is an important step toward overcoming the way in which your functioning is affected. Intense fears of failure and rejection seem to dominate your thoughts. These are seen when you expressed fear of failing at school if you do not perform as expected. Likewise, anxiety about applying to grad school and the worry about becoming boring to your fiancé are further examples. These worries lead to self doubt, undermine your confidence to make sound decisions and prevent you from pursuing your dreams. Although no one can stop having feelings, you can begin to evaluate and question the likelihood of the fear being realized in each new situation.

It is important to differentiate your wishes/needs from those of your fiancé. Certain decisions which affect your future family will need to be agreed on together, such as whether or not you stay home to raise children. However, life choices which are specific to you must be determined (for the most part) by you individually. You suspect that your fiancé might find a professional wife more interesting, but enrolling in a graduate program in order to keep him interested is not the answer as it would undercut your sense of accomplishment and lead to resentment. These feelings are important to discuss openly in your relationship in order to clarify any misperceptions. Nevertheless, feeling unconditionally loved and admired by one’s partner is a vital component to a healthy relationship, regardless of the chosen education or career path.

Remember, most situations in life are not all or nothing. Perhaps you can move into it slowly and take one class to see how it feels before you apply. You and your fiancé need to allow yourselves the freedom and flexibility to change or rethink decisions. Agreeing on this will create a comfortable and accepting environment for your life together.