Graduating Child Family Issues
My sister is very close (maybe too close) with her only daughter who is graduating and going to a prestigious university in the fall. She’s always been dependent on my niece for emotional support. Now everything is falling apart in their family. My sister’s recent behavior is bizarre and out of control. She’s drinking a lot, got arrested for DUI and is having marital problems. My niece is doing terrible in school (first time ever) and is considering delaying college. Her friends complain that she mopes around and talks like a baby. Why is this happening?
Your sister’s family seems to be in crisis which may be partly due to increased anxiety in response to your niece’s upcoming separation from them. Everyone (mother, father and daughter) appears to be “acting out” their emotions which are resulting in tremendous upheaval and disequilibrium in the family. Even in emotionally stable families, when children leave home for the first time, those that remain behind experience a great sense of loss and a period of adjustment is expectable.
Your sister and niece are clearly exhibiting symptoms of depression evidenced by the regressed behavior of your sister’s excessive drinking and arrest, in addition to your niece’s “baby talk” and poor academic performance. Your sister’s separation anxiety has been projected onto and absorbed by her daughter and as a result they share the fear of separation. When an overly dependent connection exists between mother and child, an unhealthy relationship develops and the idea of separation is incomprehensible–almost like a death. Attempts will be made at all costs to prevent it. They likely perceive themselves as extremely vulnerable without the other and cannot envision their life apart. Consequently, their recent behavior may also serve to sabotage your niece’s departure. Poor academic performance may jeopardize her college acceptance and mother’s deterioration may be considered a reason to stay and look after her.
Family and individual therapy may help to identify and address these difficult issues. It is important to strengthen the marital relationship so the couple can learn to rely upon each other for emotional support. This will allow your niece the freedom to separate and develop a sense of autonomy which will lead to success in her future and relationships.