Grandmother Issues

My grandmother is always commenting on mine and my sister’s weight, the way we look—our hair, clothing, whatever. She says we must always look our best or else we’ll never find a husband–like this is my goal in life! This makes me not want to see her, but then I feel badly. I don’t understand her. What should I do?

Your grandmother seems to have a vested interest in how you and your sister present and appear to the outside world. Perhaps she views your appearance as reflecting on her and thereby projects onto you her need to be seen as attractive and appealing to others. Observing you and your sister may elicit feelings from experiences earlier in your grandmother’s life whereby women may have been valued based upon their attractiveness to the opposite sex. Depending upon the family’s culture and/or financial circumstances an attractive female had a better chance for “catching” a husband, thus securing her future financial stability. Therefore, looking and behaving in a particularly “feminine” manner was impressed upon girls. These ideals are internalized early in life and may have become part of your grandmother’s core value system. As such, she may have no conflict over expressing these beliefs, assuming they are accepted by most people.

You may not, however, share your grandmother’s same need or desire to marry or have a man in your life. Her overarching fixation on your appearance prevents your grandmother from truly seeing you and recognizing that your needs may be different from hers. Underlying such scrutinizing behavior are critical comments which are hurtful and inconsiderate of your feelings. Regardless of why your grandmother focuses on your physical appearance and single status, her critiques nevertheless interfere with your relationship. Perhaps you can impress upon her that these things may have been important for her, but they are not necessarily a priority for you. Clearly state that you and she are separate individuals and that your perspective on many issues may be different from hers when she was your age.