Ex Husband Suicide
After my ex and I separated, he was inconsistent in our 3 y/o daughter’s life. He was severely depressed and unstable—not the person I married. To my horror, last month he committed suicide. I feel lost, in disbelief, and grief stricken. More importantly, I am heartbroken for our daughter. I’ve basically raised her alone, so his moving out didn’t affect her. I worry about how this will impact her later. Will she feel less by not having a daddy? Could she interpret his suicide as he didn’t love her enough to live? I don’t know what to tell her. If I say he’s away, it’s not truthful. I’m keeping it secret to protect her from being pegged as the girl whose father committed suicide. I’m considering changing her last name to mine to avoid people’s questions. I want to do the “right” thing. I’m in therapy, but I need more…
It is beyond devastating to be faced with such an unexpected, terrible trauma. One cannot immediately know how to handle and take in all that has happened. Grief is a long, difficult and often confusing process especially when you are grieving the loss for both yourself and your daughter. At her young age, she is not able to understand the permanence of death or what it really means, but not speaking of daddy altogether may create more problems for her over time. As your daughter matures, she may sense your discomfort and begin to believe that questions about daddy are taboo or too upsetting for you hear. This may leave her with a nagging uncertainty and no one to go to for answers. Having the freedom to ask and get answers is important for children. If your daughter is not able to ask questions about her father, it may intensify the void and she may come to the wrong conclusions which could affect her self worth.
Your husband was clearly in tremendous pain if he chose to end his life. When someone becomes that depressed, it is often difficult for them to see beyond their own internal turmoil. In response to his suicide you seem to feel a great deal of shame, hence the wish to keep it secret and not speak of him. His decision to end his life was not your fault. In the wake of such trauma, surviving family often feel guilt and shame. Children are very susceptible to adopting their parents’ feelings and beliefs. It is very important to understand and process what underlies your shame because if unaddressed your daughter may eventually begin to feel shameful about her father’s death as well.
Unfortunately, there is no way to completely protect your daughter from feeling pain or insulate her from the cruelty inflicted by others. Painful feelings are inevitable in life. Teach her that one can be faced with difficult, painful circumstances and survive. Be truthful with your daughter and provide answers that fit with her developmental level. As a result, the trust you build will provide her with comfort and security.
