Demanding Mother

My father died when my sister, brother and I were young. My mother was and continues to be very demanding of our loyalty. Although we’re adults, she still gives her opinion when we don’t ask and expects us to agree with her about everything. Last week she tried to tell my brother’s wife how to discipline their kids. My sister-in-law responded, “I can handle this myself. If I need your input, I’ll ask.” My brother agreed. Now my mother isn’t speaking to them and tells me not to either because they were so disrespectful. I usually host Thanksgiving and can’t imagine it without my brother’s family. What should I do?

You learned early on that agreeing and aligning with your mother was the way to prove your loyalty to her. The dilemma here is that by doing so you are required to betray another important loved one—your brother. As a child, your mother was extremely important in your life as the only remaining parent. Complying with her demands was a way to protect and keep her happy and perhaps provided you with a much needed sense of security. Unfortunately, some relationship dynamics learned in childhood can be difficult to change because maintaining and integrating them was so important to your survival.

Although it may be scary to think of changing the way in which you respond to your mother, as an adult you are no longer required to live by her rules. The problem between your mother and brother/sister-in-law has nothing to do with you. Excluding your brother’s family from Thanksgiving because of her, may create an unnecessary rift between you and your brother. In many of the situations you described, your mother oversteps boundaries, becomes intrusive and manipulates situations, so that she can remain in control. Perhaps, the fear of losing your mother prevents you from expressing your disapproval. Yet, not addressing her manipulative behavior silently condones and allows it to continue. It is important to be very clear and set yourself apart from any argument in which she is involved. Tell her in this situation that the argument is between her and your brother, and you are not involved and therefore, everyone will be invited to Thanksgiving in your home.