Difficult Adolescent
I have a 14 y/o son that is giving me problems. He doesn’t listen anymore, talks back and gets angry easily. He doesn’t try hard in school and his grades show it. I’ve taken away most of his privileges, but it doesn’t make a difference. I want him to go to therapy but he refuses. My husband thinks I overreact and am too strict. I think he’s too easy on him. What should I do?
You and your husband seem to have very different viewpoints regarding how to handle your son. This is an obstacle which must be overcome in order to effectively parent a difficult adolescent. Your son probably senses the discrepancy between the two of you which may be confusing for him. It may also allow him to play the two of you against each other which is a troubling position for any child. As parents, you must maintain a united front in order to work together and support each other. Your son will be less likely to try to get away with unacceptable behaviors if it is clear that both of you are in agreement. Even oppositional adolescents feel more secure knowing that their parents will set limits on them. Adolescence is a time when kids are going through tumultuous change and learning to become independent which disrupts the entire family. Managing this requires a balance. If you are too restrictive, he may feel oppressed and become more defiant; however, if you are too permissive he may feel insecure from the lack of boundaries.
Your son’s symptoms may simply reflect an attempt to assert his autonomy by defying your authority, or they may reveal a serious underlying psychological problem. If he refuses to go to therapy, perhaps you and your husband can go in order to strengthen your parenting skills, improve communication and begin to understand the divide between the two of you. The changes in you will shift the family dynamic and your son’s behavior may improve as a result. Also, observing his parents benefiting from therapy may be enough to convince your son to give it a try. As always, if you see dramatic personality or behavior changes or you believe his safety may be at risk take him for an emergency evaluation.