Disappointing Friends and Family

I’m realizing that neither my family nor friends treat me nicely. I always put them first and offer to help when I think they might need me, but no one does the same for me. When I do things for people our relationship gets closer and I feel happy. I drive my friends, lend my car, run errands for them but when my car breaks and I need them, they disappear. A few years ago, I gave my adult daughters the money I made from selling my home. Now I need a loan and I’ve been hinting to see if they would offer to help, but they don’t. I’m very upset about this and don’t know what else I can do to get any of them to treat me better.

Because you feel so distressed and unable to make sense of what is going wrong in your relationships, it is important to become aware of the thoughts and feelings that occur when you begin to overextend yourself with others. Perhaps being so available and needed by others is temporarily reassuring because it appears to secure an important position for you in the relationship. When giving to others you feel closer and possibly more loved and fulfilled which may be the driving force behind this pattern. Unfortunately, disappointment is inevitable because the reciprocity you hope for never happens. Finally, by prioritizing other’s needs over yours it conveys a message that your needs are unimportant and unwittingly grants permission for others to dismiss and mistreat you.
Dropping hints to your daughters regarding a loan clearly indicates your discomfort with asking directly and wishing for others to anticipate your needs without having to verbalize them. Although you need help and support, perhaps you are uncertain whether you have the right to ask for it. Once again your underlying self doubt is conveyed by the “hinting” behavior which may be why your daughters ignore your plight.