Fighting Parents

My parents are separated and fight constantly. They both tell me how bad the other is. Mom says she should’ve married her first boyfriend, but once I was born, she was stuck. Dad holds back money—claiming he’s broke. Mom searched his car and discovered he’s making money. She went crazy screaming and throwing things. He started choking her. The cops came, arrested him and she got a restraining order. It was terrible. My relationship with Dad isn’t good which makes Mom happy, but makes me sad. Am I wrong? I’m 18, but don’t know how to handle this.

Your feelings are not wrong. In fact, they are completely understandable. Feeling a sense of loyalty to both parents is expectable, regardless of their relationship problems. When your parents try to convince you to take sides by criticizing the other, it pulls you into the center of their conflict—a difficult and destructive bind for any child, which undoubtedly leaves you feeling confused. Your parents appear to have difficulty maintaining appropriate boundaries when they draw you into their drama. By revealing that she regretted not marrying her ex-boyfriend, your mother rejected you along with your father in that hurtful statement. She also claimed to have remained “stuck” in an unhappy marriage because you were born. These statements imply that others are responsible for her unhappiness. It is important for you to understand that you are not responsible for your mother’s choice to remain married to your father. Children, particularly those not yet born, are never responsible for the decisions made by their parents. When your father withheld financial support from your mother, it may have been an attempt to control her or the situation; however, you were also affected by the stressful circumstances it created.

It is very upsetting at any time for children to witness their parent’s arguments. However, your parent’s recent dispute spun out of control and became frighteningly violent. They are adept at pushing each other’s buttons, but may not be able to see how their behavior affects you. The restraining order will prevent them from close contact, but it is important that you do not become the go-between. Protect yourself by setting your own limits. Tell them you love them, but you cannot listen to or be in the middle of their difficult relationship.