Flirtatious Boyfriend
My boyfriend has had a female best-friend since before we met. It was fine until now it seems like he’s giving her a LOT more attention and it’s bothering me. We were at a club and she was with her boyfriend. My boyfriend kept running over to tell her things, laughing, hugging and making a fuss over her, leaving me behind. He’s super affectionate, but with her I don’t like it. When I said I felt uncomfortable with the attention he gave her, he said I’m crazy, but insists that our relationship won’t come between his friendships. This was an issue with his ex. I don’t mind if he spends time with other friends. I’m confused. Am I over-reacting? Do you think his behavior is ok? Everything else in my life is going great, but this is bringing me down. I feel so insecure and I didn’t before.
Your boyfriend certainly has the right to have friends, but in this situation it seems like you are feeling disrespected. There could be many reason for his behavior. He may be attracted to his best-friend. He may want to see how much you will tolerate. He may have competitive or control issues and be inviting you to challenge them. He may want you to feel jealous so he is reassured about your feelings for him. Any or all of these reasons may underlie this behavior.
Because his behavior is overt and not hidden from you, perhaps he is communicating something. You mention that everything else is great in your life. Has anything occurred for you recently that has contributed to this feeling (ex. special recognition, a promotion)? If so, this may explain why he is behaving in a way that leaves you feeling dismissed and insecure. Often in relationships when one person is experiencing uncomfortable feelings in reaction to the other’s behavior, something is getting transmitted non-verbally. If you have received special recognition lately, he may have felt overlooked or unimportant, although, outwardly he may have responded differently. Because these feelings are so uncomfortable, he may unconsciously behave in ways that give those feelings over to you, which relieves him because now you are experiencing his unwanted feelings. In an indirect way, he let you know how it felt for him.
Regardless of the reasons, you are uncomfortable and certainly entitled to your feelings. Calmly expressing your feelings is not over-reacting. Being treated with disrespect is not acceptable. Perhaps you can revisit your discussion. There are two people in this relationship and each of your feelings must be considered. Challenges are inevitable and must be worked through. For a successful relationship, you each need to feel heard, understood and validated.
