Frustrating Friendship

I instantly connected with my friend when we first met at work. We had a lot in common and I admired her. Now I’m noticing things that really bother me. At work she acts like she knows best, but sometimes has claimed my ideas as her own. When we have plans, she is always late and I wait endlessly. Once I ate dinner alone in a restaurant because she was over an hour late. When I called she said in a ditzy voice, “I don’t know why I’m running so late…” I was furious and told her she disrespected me. She said, “I never meant to, but maybe you shouldn’t be so sensitive and expect so much from people.” Am I expecting too much?

Friendship, like all relationships, is a reciprocal partnership. Each person has a responsibility to the other and this is demonstrated by thoughtful consideration for one another. Trust and mutual respect are fundamental elements of a solid relationship. Without them the relationship is doomed to become abusive and damaging, which seems to be occurring in your situation. Your friend is implying that you shouldn’t have feelings in response to her disregard for your time, as though you can will yourself to not feel hurt when mistreated. By not attempting to call or apologize, she did not accept responsibility for her behavior; in fact, she turned it around and accused you of overreacting. This is extremely damaging as it dismisses your worth and an unequal power differential gets created in the friendship. If you begin to doubt your perceptions, then her manipulation succeeded and she doesn’t have to look at her behavior.

The passive/aggressive manipulator is a master at disavowing their aggressive impulses, leaving you experiencing the rage, self doubt or sense of helplessness she doesn’t want to feel. Because she secretly feels so powerless and unimportant, the need to exert control in relationships is pressing; however, there is discomfort with expressing it overtly, so she passively controls you by keeping you waiting. Even her perplexed, “ditzy” sounding response may be another way of not taking ownership for her inappropriate behavior.

Reevaluate your dedication to this friendship and do not tolerate mistreatment. You are not expecting too much by assuming that a good friend is defined by the level of dignity and respect invested in the friendship.